Stroller Rage!

I recently read an article about stroller habits that piss off the entire world.  I had to giggle because I am guilty of most of them!  Of course I have to throw my two cents worth in and explain the stroller issues.

1.  Not closing the stroller in a crowded restaurant-  Ok, for starters, crowded restaurants are a pain in the ass for everyone.  And depending on how many babies are in there… a high chair may not be available.  Now some may say that if one isn’t available I should go somewhere else.  I say, “If you don’t like it, you can leave.”  We usually try to stay away from crowded places but it’s not always easy.  We also try to eat outside to avoid the crowd inside.

2.  Hitting people in the back of their ankles-  I’ve only ran my hubby over so far with the stroller, but accidents happen people!  You don’t get all bent out of shape bumping shoulders on a crowded street.  Why get all crazy about this?

3.  Blocking the view at the zoo-  Teach your children patience!  Oh, and find some for yourself as well.  We all have to wait our turn at the zoo sometimes.  This one is just crazy to me…so petty.  Parents these days need to work on their parenting skills.  My children have to learn to wait their turn, why not yours???

4.  Refusing to fold the stroller on a crowded bus-  I’ve never taken the bus so I cannot relate to this one.  I don’t even see how someone could get on a bus with a stroller unfolded.

5.  Using the stroller as a walker-  Oh yea!  I’ve leaned on the stroller quite a few times!  Does it really bother you that I lean on the stroller?  How does it affect your day?  Seriously?  And have you gone days and days without sleep because your 5mth old has his/her days and nights mixed up?  Didn’t think so….so shut up.

6.  Knocking over store displays-  I haven’t had this accident but not saying I won’t.  Some stores are so cramped and have no organization.  I’ve been in some stores that made maneuvering a stroller about as hard as playing Operation!

7.  Taking up the entire sidewalk-  Really?  Go around or go play in traffic!  Geez!  How petty can people get?  We don’t control the width of the sidewalks.  Talk to your city council about that one.  Does this really piss you off or are you just trying to get smashed in the ankles?

8.  Using the stroller as a glorified shopping cart-  I admit that when I go to places like a swap meet or flea market, I use a huge ring thing that clips on the stroller handle that holds the bags.  But why does that piss anyone off?

Well, there you have it.  Just a few things that some people get irritated about for no particular reason.

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Fred Phelps kicked the bucket!

Fred Phelps

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aka: The Most Hated (and laughed at) Man In America

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This is what a lifetime of anger and hate will do to a man!

 

Phelps was born on November 13, 1929 and finally bit the big one on March 19, 2014 at the age of 84.  He was the pastor, although rumors circulate he no longer was, of the Westboro Baptist Church.  The church opened its doors on November 27, 1955 and uses the website http://www.godhatesamerica.com as its internet outlet of stupidity.  In 2007 a documentary came out called Fall From Grace that tells all about Phelps and his family of idiots.  He was married to Margie Marie Simms, an absolute horrendous woman.  Together they had 13 children, 54 grandchildren and 7 great-grandchildren.  4 of the 13 kids have left the church and family.

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Phelps was best known for his damn ignorance and anger.  Some prime examples include  his anti-gay activism and picketing the funerals of gays and soldiers.  This “hate group” he lead is known as the Westboro Baptist Church.  Their slogan is “God hates fags.” and they stand and stomp on the American flag.  They have picketed military and gay funerals, gay pride gatherings and parades, political gatherings, Christian concerts of those who didn’t agree with his views and opinions and a few other things that make people wanna beat his ass.

His home and family life tends to have a haze around it.  Mixed accounts of how he was as a father, husband and pastor have surfaced in the past.  As far as I know, two of the four children that left have spoken out about him.  I believe their names are Nate and Dortha.  They have each talked about the loveless environment they had growing up, being scared all the time and dealing with Phelps’ anger and abuse.  It is said that Phelps used a barber strap on his children and would deliver 7-10 lashes to different parts of their bodies.  He would also hit them with a mattock handle.  The other members of the family praise him, claiming he was some sort of bringer of salvation.

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Aside from hating soldiers and gays, Phelps believed that God only died for a few pre-selected people.  These people, he says, were chosen before their birth for salvation.  He also believed Sunday school meeting are wrong, bible colleges should be closed and Billy Graham is the worst false prophet.  This man cracks me up!  His train of thought is so crazy all I can do is shake my head.

The anti-gay bashing began in the late 1980’s.  Phelps claimed that a gay man tried to lure a 5-year-old boy, his grandson, into the woods.  Phelps and his family started complaining about gays allowed in Gage Park.  When there was no action from the local government and the family began getting negativity aimed at them, he and his pack of idiots began picketing all the time.  They put up signs in the park and warned others of homosexual activity.

And this is how he and his family are raising their children!

And this is how he and his family are raising their children!

In 1997 Phelps wrote a letter to Saddam Hussein.  Phelps praised and congratulated Hussein for being “the only Muslim state that allows the Gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ to be freely and openly preached on the streets.”  He wanted to send a group of his turds to Baghdad for a week to preach.  Saddam granted permission…imagine that!  The group bashed the United States for that whole week and picketed with signs condemning the Clinton family and anal sex.

Due to being assholes and picketing the funerals of America’s fallen heroes, President George W. Bush signed the Respect for America’s Fallen Heroes Act in 2006.  The act stops protests within 300 feet of national cemeteries from an hour before a funeral to an hour after it.  Anyone not abiding by this could get a year in prison and up to a $100,000.00 fine.

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This group has been called “the most hated family in America.”  Hell, the KKK protested against them at military funerals.  This group has targeted several people for shitty reasons…one of the people was Fred Rogers.  Phelps picketed his funeral saying that Rogers never warned young viewers that sodomy is a sin.

I personally think Phelps was a piece of shit.  Without going into the subject of religion, (which will have me going for hours!) he taught nothing but hate and anger.  His entire family wake up each and every day mad as hell.  They all stay pissed off at everyone and every thing.  They pray for the deaths of so many people.  I hate that the other citizens of Topeka, Kansas have to put up with this group of dumbasses.  I’m glad to see people standing up to this family and I have loved reading stories of bikers standing in line to block these idiots at funerals.

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This shit cracked me up!

This shit cracked me up!

Bottom line:  I could care less about Phelps and his family.  They are shit.

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Some people…

Some people…

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You know these people.  They are the ones that make you consider an orange jumpsuit!  They are so damn dumb and/or aggravating that a throat punch is all you can think about giving them.  Here are a few personal experiences I’ve had with these special individuals…

Mr. Ass

There is a teacher at my daughter’s school that drives all the parents crazy.  He has got to be the meanest, pickiest, most aggravating man I’ve met in a very long time.  In the afternoons he stands outside the school…no one knows why.  He just kinda stands around like a hall monitor staring at us.  Two weeks ago, a mom was there picking up her son in a rush.  She was extremely ill and headed to the hospital.  She parked her truck out-of-the-way, away from all cars and traffic, so she could grab her son and leave as quick as possible.  We all let her get up front to get him…he was standing just inside the door looking at her.  Mr. Ass begins yelling at her that she has to move her truck.  He is telling her that she can’t park there, she needs to move it, he doesn’t like it there, etc.  She tried so hard to tell him that she is sick and headed to the hospital.  She explains that her son is two feet from her and she just needs to get him and go.  This douche bag refuses to act like a human being.  He continues to yell at her, in front of everyone, and makes her move her truck before getting her kid.  What an ass!!!

Last week I had to go into the school with my daughter one morning.  We exit the car and get to the front door of the school about 20 seconds before the bell.  As I go to open the door, Mr. Ass comes rushing towards the door, looking at his watch, telling me we can’t come in for another two minutes.  I immediately laugh at him and the bell rings within 5 seconds.  I open the door and tell him to get a new watch as I walk by shaking my head.

Those two occasions are bad enough, but dealing with this man every morning is just a riot!  The school lot is so tiny.  Cars come through in a single file line, cause that’s all the space there is anyway.  We can ONLY GO ONE WAY.  But every morning, on the curb at the front of the school, there stands this man!  UGH!!!  He waves the cars on with one hand and points with the other.  He movements are just like a crossing guard, which makes it funnier!  Sometimes he says, “This way folks!”  THERE’S NO OTHER WAY TO GO, DUMMY!!!  I just smile and wave…I try not to point as I smile!  I mean, damn!  The parents aren’t stupid.  We drive all the time.  There is only one way to go and we are all in a friggin’ single file line.  Waving and pointing just makes him looks like a re-re and a bigger ass.

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Ms. Dummy Bank Teller

This woman tripped me out a couple of weeks ago.  Now, I don’t know all the policies and such but, surely this was a bit too much.  My husband and I received a check from our bank.  Let me make sure I was clear on that….WE RECEIVED A CHECK FROM OUR BANK.  The check even had the words on it that we are a customer of the damn bank.  My husband and I pull up and he puts the check, signed with the acct number and all, and his I.D. inside the thingy that zooms up the cool little tunnel thing.  The woman, aka Ms. Dummy, asks him if his wife is with him.  He says yes and now she wants my I.D. too.  This is kinda dumb to me since the main acct holder is my husband, but whatever.  We are waiting and waiting.  Oh hell!  I forgot to mention the amount of the stupid check!  Get ready for this….drum roll please!  $7.28 That’s right people…a whopping 7 bucks and some pocket change.  Hell, we were only cashing it to  add to our daughter’s chore chart at home!  Anyway, after we send my shit up the tunnel thingy, we wait a little longer.  By now I’m wondering if she knows how to count.  It’s usually just a $5, two $1’s, a quarter and three pennies.  But what do I know?!?  Finally I lean forward and peer at the window so I can try to see what the hell she is doing.  She looks up and asks if we have an account with the bank.  Are you freakin’ serious???  The damn check says we do, account number is on the back and you are holding our I.D.’s!  I begin giggling, which usually means I’m about to lose my shit!  My husband cracks a grin, giggles and says that we do.  I’m bitching out loud now and he is telling me to hush…doesn’t help that he is still giggling!  She sends our stuff back through the tube.  My husband hands everything to me and begins to pull off.  I’m still in shock that it took forever for that.  It’s a wonder she didn’t ask for a friggin’ blood sample!  I just stare at her as he leaves trying to imagine how she managed to dress herself and get to work that day.  Damn!

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Rude Maternity Store Lady

This was definitely one of those times I almost throat punched someone!  I am pregnant and carrying very low.  All that pressure makes my back hurt and it kinda feels like I’ve accidentally done a split everyday.  It sucks!  With that said, my husband and I go to the maternity store to see if they have those belly band thingys.  We walk in and are immediately approached by this woman asking if she can help with anything.  I tell her what I’m looking for and she corrects the term I use.  I can’t remember now if it’s a belly belt or band…but I guess I said it wrong.  She corrects me with a little bit of bitchiness and a lip pucker that makes you wanna head butt the hell outta someone.  I take a deep breath and try to tell myself that she didn’t mean to sound that way.  She takes one off of the rack and out of the box.  She then proceeds to tell me that she yells at people when she’s putting these things on ’em.  My response….I look at my husband and say, “She yells at people.” with that “I don’t f*%!ing think so” look.  He, of course, giggles.  I think sometimes that’s all he can do with me…just giggle.  She refrained from yelling but was yanking on these straps and making me hold my arms out to the side.  When she gets it on, I instantly feels better.  I undo it and ask my husband if he remembered where all the straps go.  I wasn’t entirely sure since it was below the baby bump.  She interrupts and in the meanest tone says, “Well, I’m gonna make you put on yourself before you leave.  You are gonna do this by yourself.  (insert lip pucker thing)”  I smile as politely as possible and tell her that I’m not putting it on right now but I would like to go ahead and purchase it.  She gets all bent out of shape and goes behind the counter.  As she is ringing me up she asked about a maternity bra.  I tell her “no thank you” and that I am wearing a comfortable sports bra right now and that I will be purchasing a maternity bra soon.  She gets pissed off and goes on a mini rant about how I need to buy a maternity bra, my sports bra is no good, blah blah blah…  I calmly explain that I am not purchasing a bra today and that I just want to purchase the band thing.  She continues to rant so I had to raise my voice just a little and ask her to ring me up for JUST the band.  She continues with the lip pucker and I am fuming now.  I think I was holding my breath trying not to go across the counter.  The rudeness was too much.  She is obviously a very miserable lady who loves to make others miserable and if I didn’t need that damn band I would’ve shown my ass, embarrassed her really bad and walked out without purchasing it.  The good/bad new is…I have to go back.  Haha!  The belt hurts me when I sit down so I have to go back for a bigger size.  This should be fun!

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The ‘Burbs update #1

 Ok, so I get up this morning to the normal chaotic routine of getting my daughter ready for school.  We actually make it out the door on time and as we are walking to the car…I stop dead in my tracks.  Our neighborhood Rambo has a “For Rent” sign in his yard!  What the hell?!?  I feel instantly crappy ’cause the first thing that hits my mind is…I really wanna get a video of this dude doing his Rambo sneak attack before he moves!  How horrible is that?  Haha!

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I shake off the thought and get my daughter in the car and we head to school.  On the way home, I get to thinking about Rambo moving and another thought hits me.  Ahh hell, who is gonna move in now?  Part of me doesn’t want the new neighbors to be normal!  I gotta have some entertainment!!!

I haven’t seen the “cram it down your throat religious child” in a few days.  I’m guessing she took a little hint after I had to ask her to leave my house.  She was attempting to argue with me, from the front porch, and was angry at my daughter for not wanting to go outside to play with her.  But then again, the weekend is coming up…so I’m sure she will come out of her dwelling!

I’ll be sure to update during or after the weekend!  Have a good weekend everyone!

The ‘Burbs!

Ya’ll remember that movie with Tom Hanks?  He lived in that crazy neighborhood with all those quirky people.  Well, guess where I’m living?!?

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When we moved in, things seemed so quiet, calm, and “normal”.  The neighbors would all check the mail, put out the trash/recycling, and rake leaves at the same time.  Everyone seemed to have normal routines.  Weekends were laid back and quiet.  The kids would all get together and ride bikes.  Yea, that lasted all of about 3 months!

Directly across the street is a quiet couple who seem ordinary at first.  But after a while, I’ve noticed they don’t seem to speak very much.  She isn’t home most of the time and he just yells at the dogs a lot.  And no, I’m not one of those creepy neighbors who spy on everyone…I just keep a watchful eye out!  On several occasions I have noticed him creeping around his house at night.  And he doesn’t just creep folks!  He does this whole “Rambo sneak attack” routine!  He sneaks around the corners of his front porch and jumps around the side.  Then he tip toes across the front yard to his car and sneaks around it.  He has this squat/creepy walk thing he does around the entire car before he sneaks back up to the front porch to peek around the sides again.  This isn’t a one time incident either…he does this A LOT!  There is NEVER anyone out there.  There are no noises or animals to explain why he does this.  Makes no sense to me.  Just the other night he came out on the porch and began yelling at this three dogs.  He then picked up one of the dogs, holding him like a sack of potatoes, and proceeded towards his car.  He opened the back door of the car and kind of slung the dog in the back seat.  He got in the driver’s seat and started up the car.  I see him ranting at the dog and then, after about 30-45 seconds, he shuts off the car and gets the dog out.  He puts the dog back on the front porch and just walks in the house.  Hmmmm…

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Next on the list is the family about 3 houses up from us at the end of the road.  Now, when I met them, I thought they were pretty good folks.  They came over and met me and my husband.  We chatted a little about the neighborhood and where each of us were from.  I told them that their daughter was more than welcome to come over anytime to play.  Things seemed great.  And then, about two months later, they (the parents and the daughter) began quizzing my daughter about religion.  I’m not gonna turn this post into a religious debate, but I don’t agree with anyone pushing religion on anyone else.  I also don’t think you have to attend church every week to be considered worthy.  This little girl began to be very ugly to my daughter because of the attendance issue and her parents have made little comments and sent over church business cards.  This little girl is quick to make statements like…”I am a Christian, so I think she ( my daughter) should be able to do her homework outside.  I am a Christian, therefore I have responsibilities.” (when asked if she wanted to come inside my house to watch The Fox and the Hound.)  Yea, I know you’re thinking…WTF!  Made zero sense to me either.  She talks back to adults and never takes no for an answer.  It is driving me crazy!!!

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There’s a couple more crazy folks around here but I’ll save those for later.  I’ll keep ya updated on future crazy incidents here in “The ‘Burbs“!  Hopefully no one will be digging in their backyard late at night while it’s raining!!!  Haha  Do you have weird ones in your neighborhood?  Share your stories…I’d love to hear about it!

Annoying people…what to say to them

So, I have always been told how sarcastic I am…  I tend to speak my mind and sometimes forget to edit before it comes out!  This tends to come in handy when annoying people refuse to take a polite hint and leave me alone.  Hahaha

Here are a few that might just work for ya!

~Can you hold this kleenex for me?  I have such a nasty cold.  (make sure it’s all crumpled up!)

~My butt really itches!  (say really loud and actually scratch your bum!)

~Last guy who ignored me is still on a respirator!

~I haven’t changed my underwear in two weeks!  I’m feeling lucky!

~The doctors say my 8th personality is the least dangerous.  You should be good sitting next to me.  (make sure to lean real close to him/her and whisper)

~Can you believe they only gave me 3 years for killing my own sister?

~Oh damn, I just shit myself…again!

~You ever heard of Charles Manson?  Yea, he’s my uncle.

~Ever wonder what chloroform smells like?

~I don’t mean to be so jumpy.  It’s just that I had to get out of that place…being in a padded room all day and night can really take a toll on ya.

Try these out and see how they work for ya!

Men vs. Women

Here’s a list of the lovely differences between most men and women.  I think these little quirks provide the comedic relief between the two!

  • Checking out the opposite sex – Women will look at the eyes, smile, butt, shoulders, hands, chest, arms, etc.  Men, however, check out the boobs and butt…and that’s it!
  • Directions – Women will stop and ask for directions when lost.  They will gladly take a map the person draws for them too!  Men never admit they are lost and therefore, NEVER stop to ask.  When they get to their destination, sometimes up to 4 hours later, they claim to have found a new route!
  • Pain tolerance – Men will cry and sulk over their favorite football team.  This depression could last a week or more.  Women can give birth on a Tuesday and by Thursday she is doing laundry + all other household responsibilities!  LOL
  • Laundry – Women wash clothes every couple of days.  Men will wear every stitch of clothing they own and then resort to sniffing shirts and turning them inside out to wear again!
  • Kids – Women know all about their children.  They juggle their doctor visits, sports, school work, favorite foods and boo-boos.  Men use the kids as excuses to play on the playground, play games, ride carnival rides, play with Lego’s, play at the toy stores and bring frogs and other gross animals into the house!
  • Dressing nice – Women will dress nice to go shopping, take out the trash, check the mail, watch a movie, read a book or clean the house.  Men dress nice to attend a funeral.
  • Toys – Women played with toys until they reached 12 years of age.  Then they kinda lose interest.  Men….their fascination with toys never ends.  The toys just get bigger and more expensive…cars, game consoles, electronics, etc.
  • “Ball” shots – Women see this and say, “Wow, that must hurt.”…Men double over in pain at the sight of this and then feel the need to puke.
  • Telephone – Women seem to have this device stuck permanently to their ears.  They can visit their mother for a week, return home, immediately call her and be on the phone for three hours.  Men use a phone for less than a minute and only for informational purposes.
  • Jewelry – Women wear lots of it and look good.  Men wear one ring and that’s it.  Wearing anymore makes you question his sanity and/or sexuality.
  • Menopause – Women get emotional, deal with biological changes, psychological dysfunction, hot flashes and homicidal tendencies.  Men get younger women and small cars.
  • Shoes – Men own a pair of sneakers, boots and those dress shoes they wear when someone dies.  Women own at least 36 pair, not including the insane amount of flip-flops in every color.
  • Mirrors – Women depend on a mirror anywhere from 20-50 times a day and each time she goes to pee.  Men can go without looking into one unless he is checking himself out and flexing his muscles.
  • Garages – Women park cars here.  Men store all their crap here, have an endless supply of tools, cook-out, play darts, watch t.v., etc.
  • Movies – Women go for the sappy, lovey dovey movies.  Men go for blood, guts and boobs.
  • Sex – Women want 30-45 minutes of foreplay.  Men want 30-45 seconds of foreplay.
  • Maturity – An 18 year old woman can be a fully functioning adult.  An 18-year-old man still gives wedgies, uses “your mama” jokes and wrestles with the boys.
  • Going out – A man will be ready to go out in 5 minutes.  A woman will be ready in 2-3 hours and that’s only if she can get her hair to cooperate.
  • Groceries – A woman makes a list and buys these specific items.  A man will wait until there is one item left in the fridge, usually looks like a bad science experiment and then goes shopping.  He usually only buys snacks or other non-essential items.
  • Bathrooms – A man has a toothbrush, toothpaste, razor, shaving cream, soap and a towel.  A woman has 486 items…a  man can only identify two of these items!
  • Handwriting – A man uses no decoration and it usually resembles chicken scratch.  A woman uses loopy letters, dots their “i’s” with hearts, makes smiley faces, and will even spray perfume on the paper.

So, there you have it…differences that separate men and woman…yet, somehow bring them together to balance them out!