The ‘Burbs update #2

Well, the ‘Burbs have been having some funny drama! We’ve had two chicks arguing that resulted in one having to pack up and leave. Rambo is still MIA, but his wife has been busy clearing out the house. Crazy religion lady at the end of the street got a little out of hand and then retreated to her lair.

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There were two chicks living one house up from us. They have been having arguments very regularly…shouting, cussing, throwing things, etc. Now, I only heard a few shouts here and there, but they each took turns coming over to my house to fill me in on the latest fights. One lady was always coming over yelling and acting crazy. Anyway, two weekends ago, I noticed the crazy one packing up her car. She just had to stop by here before she left. I was told about a huge fight that led to screaming and throwing glasses. Crazy, crazy, crazy stuff. It’s been quiet since then so I wasn’t too disappointed when I found out that the lady that stayed is buying the house. Maybe it will stay quiet…maybe.

Crazy religion lady up the street decided to blame all the neighborhood kids for her child not having playmates. This woman took it upon herself to talk to the kids and ask them why they weren’t playing outside with her daughter. Really? What mature adult does that? If you have a question about something like that you walk your butt to the neighbors’ houses and talk to the parents. She was politely informed that her child is rude, disrespectful, and mean to all the other children. She basically stomped back into her little lair and hasn’t been heard from.

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I still haven’t seen Rambo across the street. I don’t know where he has run off to, but his wife has been “cleaning house” for the past week. Just the other day she and two other guys were literally throwing furniture and stuff out into the yard. They were breaking tables and hitting chairs against trees to bust the legs off of them! They stacked small tables and took turns busting them up. Oh and the wife was laughing hysterically and videoing the whole time! A moving truck showed up this morning but I can’t imagine what they would be loading up. Hell, everything was practically in the yard broken.

Well, there you have it. Just another crazy couple of weeks in the ‘Burbs!

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The ‘Burbs update #1

 Ok, so I get up this morning to the normal chaotic routine of getting my daughter ready for school.  We actually make it out the door on time and as we are walking to the car…I stop dead in my tracks.  Our neighborhood Rambo has a “For Rent” sign in his yard!  What the hell?!?  I feel instantly crappy ’cause the first thing that hits my mind is…I really wanna get a video of this dude doing his Rambo sneak attack before he moves!  How horrible is that?  Haha!

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I shake off the thought and get my daughter in the car and we head to school.  On the way home, I get to thinking about Rambo moving and another thought hits me.  Ahh hell, who is gonna move in now?  Part of me doesn’t want the new neighbors to be normal!  I gotta have some entertainment!!!

I haven’t seen the “cram it down your throat religious child” in a few days.  I’m guessing she took a little hint after I had to ask her to leave my house.  She was attempting to argue with me, from the front porch, and was angry at my daughter for not wanting to go outside to play with her.  But then again, the weekend is coming up…so I’m sure she will come out of her dwelling!

I’ll be sure to update during or after the weekend!  Have a good weekend everyone!

Common sense…not so common!

The lack of common sense and stupidity seem to be spreading like wildfire!  I’ll give ya a few examples…

1.  Students at the University of Tennessee have decided to get drunk in new, quicker way folks!  They have been doing….”ALCOHOL ENEMAS”!!!  That’s right people, alcohol enemas!  Ramming a tube up their hind end and pouring in the liquor…What the hell?!?  Last I checked, normal college kids had kegs (and did keg stands) and funnels.  Nowadays they do this shit through the butt!  This causes the idiot to get drunker faster due to the fact that the alcohol is absorbed directly into the blood stream.  But come on!  Is it really worth it?  You obviously are damaging your body in a whole new way and then end up in hospital.  Way to go dumdums!

2.  This one made me not only flinch but I think I threw up a little in my mouth!  A Wisconsin man, Gerald Streator, has been arrested and charged with one count of  lewd and lascivious behavior.  Guess what he was doing….He was having sex with a couch that had been put out on the curb.  Yep….read that one again!  A couch had been placed curb side to be thrown away with trash and here comes this guy!  An off duty police officer actually witnessed this act of nastiness.

3.  Villarreal-Castillo, another genius, decided to break in and burglarize a home.  Owners were not home and he was loading up with all the goodies he wanted until…..he fell asleep!  Uh huh!  Fell asleep on the kitchen floor!  The homeowner comes home to find this guy sleeping in his kitchen with all his “loot” around him.  LOL

4.  Sergio Alvarez….I am still laughing at this one!  This guy strangled a damn pelican to death ya’ll!  He told the police that he was hungry and couldn’t catch any fish!  LMAO    So, I’m guessing he got pissed that the pelican was catching fish and he wasn’t.  Taking out the competition there, buddy?

Hope ya’ll enjoyed these!  I’ll do more soon.

Our Family Holidays…

My family, as I have stated before, is a rare breed!  We have our own little holidays…some of which are celebrated several times a year!  We also make up our own words too.

  • National Dad Cooking Day – This is the day that my Daddy decides he is Betty Crocker.  The only problem is…his “dinners” usually consists of throwing any and all ingredients into one big pot!  These are the days we would rather go hungry!  LOL  Sorry Daddy!  I guess I should add in that the whole family runs when I attempt to make biscuits!  Sometimes they use them as rocks!  I’m serious…you can throw my biscuits against a wall and not a crumb will fall off!
  • Auburn vs. Georgia Day – This is the day when we all gather together to watch this specific college football game.  The entire family, except my Mom, Daddy, me, my brother and a couple more, roots for Georgia.  It is us 6 or 7 against the whole family!  We all become instant football coaches…screaming at the t.v. and yelling at the refs!  Pom-poms are even involved folks!
  • National Dance Till You Drop Day – My Mom loves to dance.  She taught me and my brother at an early age all the “oldie” dances!  LOL  We crank up music and pretty much dance and giggle all day long.  Yes, we are crazy…but we are a happy bunch!
  • Funny Argument Day – This one is mainly celebrated by my Mom and brother and happens several times a year.  My brother will start an argument with my Mom about everything!  They will even argue about chip bags…weight vs. volume.  WTH!  Haha
  • Opposite Day –   This is the day that my Daddy picks and chooses what is “opposite”.  He does this several times a month…obviously this is a popular one!  For example…Daddy will say, during his National Cooking Day, “The cook has to clean up the kitchen.”  Now, after dinner he announces that it is opposite day!  The next night when my Mom is cooking, she will remind my Daddy that the cook didn’t have to clean up the night before…here again, he announces “Opposite Day!”
  • National Mom Bad Hair Day – These are the days, yes I meant the plural form of day!, that my Mom does not touch a brush or comb.  She ends up looking like she stuck her finger in a light socket.  This is a permanent holiday now due to the fact that she has not touched a brush in about a year…Her hair is really short so she does that “spiky do thingy”.
  • Embarrass Mom Day – This is a frequent one too!  My brother and I pretend to have mental issues and speak impaired.  We also walk really funny…kinda like we got “skid-mark” issues!  We yell in stores that she needs to tie our shoes or help with our zipper cause we have explosive diarrhea!  Then we run around her holding our butts and yelling that we had a “woopsy”!
  • Embarrass The Kids Day – Mom reverses the role above and embarrasses the shit out of us!  She will just start laughing out loud…REALLY LOUD…and has even sat down in the middle of a store and continued laughing.  I swear, she looks like she needs a straight jacket and padded room on these days…LOL
  • National Pick On Family Member Day – Practical jokes rule on these days!  Greasing door handles, sardines in the vents, jello dumped in the back of their toilet…the list goes on and on.
  • Wambulance Day – My brother invented this one!  He will pick on someone, usually ME,  about anything and everything.  When I say something about it…to defend myself!…he does this…”Awww, call the wambulance.  Waa Waa Wambulance!”  So friggin’ annoying!

 

Here are some of our “made up” words…

  • duckies = money
  • mokey = remote control
  • drinky poo = alcoholic beverage
  • itchy = an itch  haha  “I have an itchy on my back.”
  • coo coo = popsicle

I have no idea why we use ’em and I’m pretty sure there are tons more…just can’t think of ’em right now.

Warning labels on products that make ya wonder…2

And the list continues…

16. children’s superman costume– WARNING: wearing this garment does not enable you to fly.  Well, I have to say that I kinda agree with this one.  You see, there are so many gullible children out there!  My brother was one of them.  He would whatever I told him to….and I mean WHATEVER I TOLD HIM TO!  Poor child didn’t stand a chance as a small child!  LOL  I once gave him a suitcase and an umbrella……you know where this is going!!!  Yep, I told him he could fly just like Mary Poppins if he would just hold on to that suitcase and umbrella.  And did he jump out the window???  YES HE DID!  It was awesome!  Now, of course, it was not awesome once he hit the ground.  That kid seriously bounced, but I am happy to report that he sustained zero major injuries (don’t quite know how that worked!) and only had minor bruises.

17. Nabisco Easy Cheese– For best results, remove cap.  Hmmm….let me see here.  For best results….hell, for any results other than admiring the damn can would be a better phrase to put there!  If you have to be told to remove the cap you just need to stick to simpler things like tearing through a bread bag to get some bread.  Hell, that’s like holding a can of hairspray up to your hair (with the cap on, of course!) and just expecting something dramatic to happen.

18. Chainsaw– WARNING: Do Not attempt to stop chain with hands.  Yea, this had to be a chick with brain leakage!  I know it’s shiny and is an awesome tool when PMS hits, but you can’t expect the shiny chain to stop with your lil hands!  Now, my other brother has attempted this with his leg.  That didn’t work either.  Let’s just say we had to use more than a few band-aids!

19. hotel provided shower cap– fits only one head.  WHAT THE HELL???  LOL  Words have escaped my mind on this one.

20. Chinese food processors NOT to be used for the other use. LOL…yea, that’s right people, you can’t use it for “the other use”!  No cats, dogs, or any other animal that is considered a pet to the rest of us!

21. Helmet mounted mirror used my cyclists- Remember, objects in mirror are actually behind you.  LOL  Damn, does this really have to be stated on there?  Well, when I am operating anything…car, truck, bike, etc…what is behind me does not matter!  But I think that if I was wearing one of those things and I saw a car in the mirror I would really think there was one back there!  Maybe this guy should’ve had one!

22. Infant bathtub– CAUTION: Do Not throw baby out with bath water.  “Out” with the water???  Where are you throwing the water?  Around here the water goes down the drain.  And removing the child should not be that difficult to remember.  This had to be from the same lady that folded her child up in the stroller!

23. disposable razor– Do Not use this product during an earthquake.  hahaha….well, I wouldn’t advice you to do that either!  You would end up looking like Edward Scissorhands!  And if you have to be told this you are probably not old enough to shave anyway.  Unless….you are a member of the “Jackass” crew!  This would definitely make their list of top 10 things to try!

24. a frisbee- WARNING: may contain small parts.  Small parts of what?  And don’t say the bag/package folks.  Frisbees are sold with a damn sticker on the underside!  And the only person that I can think of that could probably insert a frisbee into their mouth would be Steven Tyler…just sayin’

25. toilet brush– DO NOT use orally.  One type of person comes to mind when I see this!  Well, there is a movie that comes to mind too!  haha  Wrong turn anyone???  LOL

26. microwave oven- DO NOT USE FOR DRYING PETS.  Awesomeness….just Awesomeness!!!  Alright, who put the cat in the microwave?  I thought that was an urban legend!  You know, hair dryers can dry pets…or hell, just let em run around and dry off like normal people.

27. deodorant Do Not use intimately.  INTIMATELY???  If you have an “intimate” odor problem, man has invented SOAP!  If you got a perspiration issue downstairs go buy some baby powder!   I am seriously trying not to visualize this, but the image is so persistent!!!  Why would someone even consider doing this, much less think of the idea in the first place?  On second thought, maybe the doctor that did the “Fix-A-Flat” booty job recommended this to someone!  It’s a thought!!!  And as for the pic below….yes, my friend, those are flies on her butt!

28. rat poison- WARNING: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice.  Now, sometimes I’m a lil slow on the uptake.  But two things come to mind with this stupid statement.  1. I don’t give a damn if the lil disease infested thingy gets cancer!  2. If he stayed alive long enough to get cancer, your damn poison don’t work fast enough!!!  I don’t want to put out this poison and have to wait for the lil boogers to get to stage 4!  And I don’t mean any offense to human cancer patients…honestly.  But a rat is nasty and a quick death is what any homeowner wants…not to have to sit and wonder if the cancer will eventually get rid of the rat problem.

29. dashboard of mail truck- Look before driving.  Damn!  So I take it that a mail man…..oh wait I meant mail woman….was driving along and ended up in an accident.  When asked what  happened, she responded that she forgot to look/open her eyes before mashing down on the gas pedal….WOW

30. Sign at a railroad station-  BEWARE: To touch these wires is instant death.  Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted. Yea, prosecuting a dead man is what all officers of the law look forward to!  That reminds me of the guys that pee on electrical fences or those signs that tell you that the edges are sharp!  LOL  So, my advice to the people at this railroad station…ahh hell, go ahead and touch the wires!  I have a habit of seeing those big red buttons, hesitating for a minute, weighing the pros and cons, and then eventually just pushing the damn button anyway!

Warning labels on products that make ya wonder…1

I’ve noticed in the past that some of the warning labels on certain products are crazy.  I mean, why is it necessary to put “WARNING: Not for oral use.” on a tube of Preparation H???  Think about it guys!  Some moron must have done this and ended up with an extremely puckered mouth or something….and then tried to sue the company!  When idiots do these things the companies have to include these warnings so other dummies don’t do the same shit.  I just don’t understand it.  Preparation H is obviously for the other end!  So, who the hell would squeeze a tube of this stuff into their mouth and why?  And I’m pretty sure you can’t confuse a tube of that with a tube of Colgate or Crest!  So, I started searching for the stupid warnings that are now having to be issued due to stupidity leaks most people suffer from….Hope yaw enjoy!

1. fishing lure (with 3 steel hooks!)-Caution: harmful if swallowed.-  What retard decided to put a damn fish-hook in his/her mouth?  Now, I’ve heard of fish-hook accidents involving hooking a fellow fisherman…(my dad and my uncles! LOL)  But I ain’t never heard of someone just popping one into their mouth and attempting to swallow the damn thing.  And you can’t “accidentally” try to shove this thing down  your throat!  Damn!

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2. massage chair- WARNING: Do not use chair without clothing and never force any body part into back rest area while rollers are moving!-  LOL  For starters, a massage chair is designed mainly for shoulder, neck and back massages.  Why in the hell would the client be naked in the chair?  Forcing a body part into the back rest area….hmmmmmm!  I am still trying to picture this one!  What are you trying to ram in there people?  And why does the warning have to include not doing this while the rollers are in use?  Haha…Holy crap!  On second thought, I don’t even want to picture that one!

3. Dremel electric rotary tool– Caution: This product is not intended for use as a dental drill.- WTF  Well, hell….I guess if you got severe tooth issues and you are drunk enough this might seem like a great idea at the time!  And don’t blame rednecks for this!  haha

4. baby stroller– Caution: Remove child before folding.– Now, this one caused me to kinda go into a mild form of shock.  Who in the hell folded their child up in a stroller???  What happened in this situation…woman exiting the store and in a fit of dumbness folds her baby up in the stroller and tosses it into the back of the van…only later to realize she didn’t have a child to put in or get out of a car seat?  Certain folks shouldn’t be allowed to reproduce!

5. sticker on a toilet at a public facility– Recycled flush water unsafe to drink.-  Now I know being thirsty sucks…but bathrooms usually have a damn sink!  Hell, some public places have a hose out back or a car wash…stick your face up to the spigot or run through the damn car wash rinse cycle!  Who in their right mind would drink from this???  LOL

6. label on a hand-held massager– Do Not use while sleeping or unconscious.-  Somebody lied like hell when they used this excuse!!!  haha  If you used a hand-held massager while unconscious, what bodily harm did you inflict upon yourself?  hmmmmmm

7. iron– NEVER iron clothes while they are being worn.- LMAO  Now, I don’t do so good with an iron myself.  My husband will tell you that!  But ironing your clothes while you wear them is a new one to me…You can’t even blame alcohol for this one.  Drunk folks may lack a lil bit of intelligence while intoxicated but I don’t think they care about wrinkled clothes enough to try this one. HAHA   Even the mentally challenged know how a damn iron works!

8. shin guards– WARNING: shin pads cannot protect any body part they do not cover.–  Seriously???  I thought that when I put on shin guards they protect my head and elbows too!  Imagine that!  This unfortunate idiot had to have been a soccer player that head butted the ball too many times or something.  There had to be some serious brain leakage going on there!

9. birthday cake candles– DO NOT use soft wax as ear plugs or for any other function that involves insertion into a body cavity.  LOL  I’m really trying NOT to picture this!  I can only imagine why there was a need to put the last part of that warning!  Bottle rockets come to mind on this one!  Birthday candles….not just for making that birthday wish anymore!  haha

10. toilet plunger– Do Not use near power lines.-  What the hell?  I can’t even come up with a reason someone would have a plunger near a power line.  Are plungers even used outside the bathroom???  Well, nevermind……haha

11. Old Spice deodorant– Apply to underarms only -Well, where the hell else would you put it?  It ain’t cologne guys!  You shouldn’t be rubbin’ it on your neck, chest, or any other place on your body.  And here again, what bodily harm was caused by applying it to another body part?

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12. Komatsu flood light– this flood light is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark.  I know this isn’t a warning…but really?  “even in the dark”…LOL  The only reason statements like this are on products like that has got to do with dumb women.  I’m sorry ladies (mainly those blondes with no sense!) but some of ya’ll need special medication!  This kinda reminds me of those people who ask, “What’s the number?” when you tell them to call 911.

13. ear plugs– These earplugs are nontoxic, but may interfere with breathing if caught in the windpipe.  Damn!  This one made me think…”Surely I read that wrong!  Let me check that again.”  Life lesson #23…foreign objects will definitely interfere with your breathing dummy!  And earplugs go in your EARS not down your throat.

14. king size mattress– Do Not attempt to swallow- I am so glad they cleared this one up for us!  There would have been a tragic event had that label not been applied.

15. Fix-A-Flat– WARNING: DO NOT WELD CAN TO RIM.  Surely, this has got to be a joke!  And what’s worse is I was looking for a picture of someone being dumb enough to have done this….however, I found a picture and article of this woman.  WTF  This woman, living in Florida, went in for some procedure to make her butt bigger and the doctor that did the surgery put fix-a-flat in her ass and hips!  That’s right,  FIX-A-FLAT!  LMAO…I’m sorry but cosmetic surgery to fix a deformity or maybe to remove some excess skin after a tremendous weight loss would make sense to me.  But nowadays we got people changing their entire bodies for nothing!  Making your ass bigger?  Eat bread dummy!  LOL  And why would you want a big ol’ butt?  Hell, I been working hard to get mine a lil smaller…ain’t no way I’d want an ass that sticks out so much you could put a food tray on it!