The ‘Burbs!

Ya’ll remember that movie with Tom Hanks?  He lived in that crazy neighborhood with all those quirky people.  Well, guess where I’m living?!?

When we moved in, things seemed so quiet, calm, and “normal”.  The neighbors would all check the mail, put out the trash/recycling, and rake leaves at the same time.  Everyone seemed to have normal routines.  Weekends were laid back and quiet.  The kids would all get together and ride bikes.  Yea, that lasted all of about 3 months!

Directly across the street is a quiet couple who seem ordinary at first.  But after a while, I’ve noticed they don’t seem to speak very much.  She isn’t home most of the time and he just yells at the dogs a lot.  And no, I’m not one of those creepy neighbors who spy on everyone…I just keep a watchful eye out!  On several occasions I have noticed him creeping around his house at night.  And he doesn’t just creep folks!  He does this whole “Rambo sneak attack” routine!  He sneaks around the corners of his front porch and jumps around the side.  Then he tip toes across the front yard to his car and sneaks around it.  He has this squat/creepy walk thing he does around the entire car before he sneaks back up to the front porch to peek around the sides again.  This isn’t a one time incident either…he does this A LOT!  There is NEVER anyone out there.  There are no noises or animals to explain why he does this.  Makes no sense to me.  Just the other night he came out on the porch and began yelling at this three dogs.  He then picked up one of the dogs, holding him like a sack of potatoes, and proceeded towards his car.  He opened the back door of the car and kind of slung the dog in the back seat.  He got in the driver’s seat and started up the car.  I see him ranting at the dog and then, after about 30-45 seconds, he shuts off the car and gets the dog out.  He puts the dog back on the front porch and just walks in the house.  Hmmmm…

Next on the list is the family about 3 houses up from us at the end of the road.  Now, when I met them, I thought they were pretty good folks.  They came over and met me and my husband.  We chatted a little about the neighborhood and where each of us were from.  I told them that their daughter was more than welcome to come over anytime to play.  Things seemed great.  And then, about two months later, they (the parents and the daughter) began quizzing my daughter about religion.  I’m not gonna turn this post into a religious debate, but I don’t agree with anyone pushing religion on anyone else.  I also don’t think you have to attend church every week to be considered worthy.  This little girl began to be very ugly to my daughter because of the attendance issue and her parents have made little comments and sent over church business cards.  This little girl is quick to make statements like…”I am a Christian, so I think she ( my daughter) should be able to do her homework outside.  I am a Christian, therefore I have responsibilities.” (when asked if she wanted to come inside my house to watch The Fox and the Hound.)  Yea, I know you’re thinking…WTF!  Made zero sense to me either.  She talks back to adults and never takes no for an answer.  It is driving me crazy!!!

There’s a couple more crazy folks around here but I’ll save those for later.  I’ll keep ya updated on future crazy incidents here in “The ‘Burbs“!  Hopefully no one will be digging in their backyard late at night while it’s raining!!!  Haha  Do you have weird ones in your neighborhood?  Share your stories…I’d love to hear about it!

John Wayne Death Conspiracy

I never knew there was a conspiracy surrounding the death of The Duke!  Last week I was watching some show about events in history that caused serious doubt.  There was a show about the Bermuda Triangle and one about TWA Flight 800.  But the one concerning John Wayne caught my eye because I never knew there was doubt about his death.

The conspiracy is that the government was actually responsible for his death due to nuclear contamination at the movie site, The Conqueror.  In 1953, the government detonated 11 atomic bombs in southern Nevada.  One year later, John Wayne spent six weeks making The Conqueror near there with Susan Hayward.

Now, before I go any further…The Duke was diagnosed with lung cancer in 1964.  He drank and smoked 3 packs of cigarettes a day, so I don’t think this was a shocker.  The doctors removed his left lung and two ribs.  He then went on to star in over a dozen more films.  June 11, 1979 was the day he passed away due to stomach cancer…at the age of 72.  The conspiracy involves both cancers…

The film was shot in Snow Canyon near St. George, Utah.  The Nevada test site, where the atomic bombs were detonated, was fairly close to the film site.  Since 1951 more than 100 atomic bombs have been blown up here.  Now, in 1953, people began to get real concerned.  They were told that the testing was harmless, but many of the sheep in the area fell ill and died under unusual circumstances.  Many people in St. George have since succumbed to cancer and all the film’s stars, except Pedro Armanderez, died of cancer as well.  I believe Armanderez committed suicide.

91 of the 220 cast and crew members from the movie, The Conqueror, developed cancer.  Kinda strange huh?!?

Anyway, there were tests to check radiation levels of the soil at the movie site and Susan Hayward’s dress.  The soil showed no dangerous levels and the dress showed the same.  Now, I don’t know much about radiation levels 50-60 years later, but I’m pretty sure the levels now aren’t anywhere near what they were.  The soil that was tested was from the top to about 1-2 inches down.  I would think they needed to dig and test deeper, but I’m no scientist.  I’m not saying the radiation was the purpose of The Duke’s cancer, or the other’s cancers, but 91 out of 220 is a mighty high percentage.

 

Michael Myers

 

Just a little countdown to Halloween…I’ll be picking some movies, characters and paranormal subjects throughout the month that interest me!  Hope you all enjoy!

And now for the first on the list…

Michael Myers

This guy scares the hell outta me!  I’m usually the one during or after a movie analyzing how the victims should have handled the killer’s stalking and such.  But with this guy, naw…  I can’t think of anything to do if he enters my house.  I would scream like an idiot and hope he just got annoyed with me or decided I wasn’t worth the effort!  LOL  He is so good at what he does.  He doesn’t need a fancy weapon…just a good ol’ kitchen knife will do.  He doesn’t need to scare you with dreams, knives for fingers, a chainsaw or Pandora’s Box!  This guy just walks into a room, gives you “that look”, and proceeds to stalk the shit outta you until he gets you with the knife.  Running never seems to help, shooting him doesn’t do any good and pleading for your life doesn’t work either.  He doesn’t speak or grunt or anything.  Myers is definitely one of the most scariest characters I’ve ever seen.

Now that I’ve expressed my ultimate fear of this guy I should tell you that my husband is a huge horror fan.  He has the small figurines, the pictures with autographs, the masks and lots and lots of other horror memorabilia.  But the one item he has that kinda takes the cake is the life-size Michael Myers in our friggin’ living room!  Yep, Myers lives in our house.  He is voice and motion activated.  Ugh!  Gotta love the fact that his knife moves, his head follows you around the room and even his eyes move as you walk by!  My husband loves to position him around the house so I get scared shitless from time to time when I walk in the door.  Welcome to my world!  Haha!

Zombie Apocalypse Survival Tips #2

Ok, I’ve asked my crazy family to help add to these life-saving tips!

11. Women (especially blondes) and children…find a big strong guy so that you can ride on his shoulders to be a look-out!  We wouldn’t want ya’ll going astray and gettin’ lost!

12. a lil addition to the tip above…Remain on his shoulders especially during an attack.  Zombies are not picky as to which body part they begin chewing first.  So, when the zombie goes to gnawing on the big guy’s leg, gage your distance and jump like hell!  As you are scrambling away, keep a sharp eye out for another huge guy!  Then simply repeat rules 11 and 12!

13. My aunt heard that zombies cannot swim…ok, well maybe she (and the rest of us!) are just really hoping they can’t!  Anyway, try to find a boat or raft.  If you can’t find one then you need to start watching that Bear Grylls survivor show to learn how to make one!  That man can make one out of a match stick and pine cones or something like that!  And make sure there are no zombies on the bank when you take a bathroom break!  Otherwise you’re gonna end up attempting to do #2 in the water!  Thanks for this one, Aunt M!  Priceless information right there!

14. Do not go near any little kids.  I know that sounds mean as hell.  But believe me, them lil boogers may very well turn out to be ankle biters!

15. Bologna, aka Boloney to my family, will come in handy during your attempt at survival!  My Daddy helped me out with this awesome tip and I think it will definitely be worth your while to try!  Pick 3 “bait” people…you know, the idiots or husband’s ex-girlfriends….tell these people that you will be using code names to confuse the zombies.  Name the first two Salami and the third one Boloney.  Right before things get bad and shit hits the fan holler out, “Hey Salami, Salami and Boloney!  Come over here!”  My dad says this will do the trick!  Zombies can’t resist the boloney!  If they catch on to those code names you could always use the names Oscar, Mayer, and Bar S!

16. “Chummin'”~~Chummin’ is an excellent way to lead those stinkin’ zombies in the wrong direction!  It’s the same concept as in Jaws, throwing bits and pieces of fish and guts and blood overboard to attract those sharks.  Now, I ain’t saying that you gotta use pieces of your “bait” people….but if they get bit by a zombie or are slowin’ ya down….oops!  LOL  You could use any animals like deer or squirrels for this.  Hell, you might be able to use fried boloney too!  Just chum in one direction and run the opposite way!

17. If you find yourself surrounded by the zombies, turn on the Thriller song and hope for the best!  I’m sure those flesh-eating mongrels will begin dancing in sync and be entertained for a while!  Trust me folks…the same thing works for my family when you turn on Running Bear!

18. Try and find a handicapped guy that is in a wheelchair!  Sorry, but you can’t be politically correct when zombies are trying to eat you and your buddies!  The wheelchair guy serves two purposes…if it gets bad, he can’t run!  aka “bait”!  And if you are running for your life and hit a downhill slope, you now have a fast ride!

19.  Times are rough when zombies are everywhere.  Stress runs high and everyone tends to get trigger happy…but remember, just because they are ugly and smell bad, don’t mean they are zombies….friendly fire is bad folks!  (thanks hubby!)

20.  Last, but not least, DO NOT BELIEVE THE SHIT YOU SEE ON T.V.!  Going anywhere within 100 miles of a large city is suicide….do this and you deserve to be eaten!  Instead of being dumb, just come on over to my group and we will be glad to use you as a “bait” person!  We can never have too many members named Boloney!

Hope these tips help and I’ll provide more as they come!

Zombie Apocalypse Survival Tips

Just a few tips to help you survive a zombie apocalypse…

1. If you see anyone walking retarded and foaming at the mouth…run like hell!

2. Get the hell away from people who panic!  And, yes, this includes 99.9% of women…especially blondes!

3. Make sure you keep a few people in your group that you dislike…Examples would include: idiots, assholes, and your husband’s ex-girlfriends!  They can definitely be used as bait!  Remember, tripping them + running like a bat outta hell= surviving!

4. Aim for the head at all times!  Do not stop until you see brain matter or their head comes off!

5. Raid the nearest Home Depot for anything that can be used as weapons and definitely Ammo shops/Pawn shops.  FYI: just give the “bait” people hammers!  haha

6. Do not point and yell, “OH, OH, OH…THERE’S ONE OVER THERE!”  Most men will understand this if they have ever gone deer hunting with a woman.

7. Duct Tape!!!  Duct tape has many awesome uses!  You can repair clothing, cover up boo-boos, put over the mouths of the “bait” people and ladies….duct tape those boobies!  Trust me, you don’t wanna be running like hell and end up with black eyes and blurred vision!

8. Set boobie traps…for the best examples please refer to the movie “Goonies”  haha

9. Don’t set the zombies on fire…I don’t think that will stop them and that probably stinks like shit!

10. Hope like hell you are married to a Soldier!  Having a “Rambo” man will definitely come in handy.  Yep, I am covered on this one!

Hope these tips help ya’ll survive!