Zombie Apocalypse Survival Tips #2

Ok, I’ve asked my crazy family to help add to these life-saving tips!

11. Women (especially blondes) and children…find a big strong guy so that you can ride on his shoulders to be a look-out!  We wouldn’t want ya’ll going astray and gettin’ lost!

12. a lil addition to the tip above…Remain on his shoulders especially during an attack.  Zombies are not picky as to which body part they begin chewing first.  So, when the zombie goes to gnawing on the big guy’s leg, gage your distance and jump like hell!  As you are scrambling away, keep a sharp eye out for another huge guy!  Then simply repeat rules 11 and 12!

13. My aunt heard that zombies cannot swim…ok, well maybe she (and the rest of us!) are just really hoping they can’t!  Anyway, try to find a boat or raft.  If you can’t find one then you need to start watching that Bear Grylls survivor show to learn how to make one!  That man can make one out of a match stick and pine cones or something like that!  And make sure there are no zombies on the bank when you take a bathroom break!  Otherwise you’re gonna end up attempting to do #2 in the water!  Thanks for this one, Aunt M!  Priceless information right there!

14. Do not go near any little kids.  I know that sounds mean as hell.  But believe me, them lil boogers may very well turn out to be ankle biters!

15. Bologna, aka Boloney to my family, will come in handy during your attempt at survival!  My Daddy helped me out with this awesome tip and I think it will definitely be worth your while to try!  Pick 3 “bait” people…you know, the idiots or husband’s ex-girlfriends….tell these people that you will be using code names to confuse the zombies.  Name the first two Salami and the third one Boloney.  Right before things get bad and shit hits the fan holler out, “Hey Salami, Salami and Boloney!  Come over here!”  My dad says this will do the trick!  Zombies can’t resist the boloney!  If they catch on to those code names you could always use the names Oscar, Mayer, and Bar S!

16. “Chummin'”~~Chummin’ is an excellent way to lead those stinkin’ zombies in the wrong direction!  It’s the same concept as in Jaws, throwing bits and pieces of fish and guts and blood overboard to attract those sharks.  Now, I ain’t saying that you gotta use pieces of your “bait” people….but if they get bit by a zombie or are slowin’ ya down….oops!  LOL  You could use any animals like deer or squirrels for this.  Hell, you might be able to use fried boloney too!  Just chum in one direction and run the opposite way!

17. If you find yourself surrounded by the zombies, turn on the Thriller song and hope for the best!  I’m sure those flesh-eating mongrels will begin dancing in sync and be entertained for a while!  Trust me folks…the same thing works for my family when you turn on Running Bear!

18. Try and find a handicapped guy that is in a wheelchair!  Sorry, but you can’t be politically correct when zombies are trying to eat you and your buddies!  The wheelchair guy serves two purposes…if it gets bad, he can’t run!  aka “bait”!  And if you are running for your life and hit a downhill slope, you now have a fast ride!

19.  Times are rough when zombies are everywhere.  Stress runs high and everyone tends to get trigger happy…but remember, just because they are ugly and smell bad, don’t mean they are zombies….friendly fire is bad folks!  (thanks hubby!)

20.  Last, but not least, DO NOT BELIEVE THE SHIT YOU SEE ON T.V.!  Going anywhere within 100 miles of a large city is suicide….do this and you deserve to be eaten!  Instead of being dumb, just come on over to my group and we will be glad to use you as a “bait” person!  We can never have too many members named Boloney!

Hope these tips help and I’ll provide more as they come!


5 thoughts on “Zombie Apocalypse Survival Tips #2

  1. Mom says:

    Epic laughter. Glad you found these.

  2. Mom says:

    You make me so (LMAO) proud as your mom. I know just the right person to use as bait.

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