So, I have always been told how sarcastic I am… I tend to speak my mind and sometimes forget to edit before it comes out! This tends to come in handy when annoying people refuse to take a polite hint and leave me alone. Hahaha
Here are a few that might just work for ya!
~Can you hold this kleenex for me? I have such a nasty cold. (make sure it’s all crumpled up!)
~My butt really itches! (say really loud and actually scratch your bum!)
~Last guy who ignored me is still on a respirator!
~I haven’t changed my underwear in two weeks! I’m feeling lucky!
~The doctors say my 8th personality is the least dangerous. You should be good sitting next to me. (make sure to lean real close to him/her and whisper)
~Can you believe they only gave me 3 years for killing my own sister?
~Oh damn, I just shit myself…again!
~You ever heard of Charles Manson? Yea, he’s my uncle.
~Ever wonder what chloroform smells like?
~I don’t mean to be so jumpy. It’s just that I had to get out of that place…being in a padded room all day and night can really take a toll on ya.
Here’s a list of the lovely differences between most men and women. I think these little quirks provide the comedic relief between the two!
Checking out the opposite sex – Women will look at the eyes, smile, butt, shoulders, hands, chest, arms, etc. Men, however, check out the boobs and butt…and that’s it!
Directions – Women will stop and ask for directions when lost. They will gladly take a map the person draws for them too! Men never admit they are lost and therefore, NEVER stop to ask. When they get to their destination, sometimes up to 4 hours later, they claim to have found a new route!
Pain tolerance – Men will cry and sulk over their favorite football team. This depression could last a week or more. Women can give birth on a Tuesday and by Thursday she is doing laundry + all other household responsibilities! LOL
Laundry – Women wash clothes every couple of days. Men will wear every stitch of clothing they own and then resort to sniffing shirts and turning them inside out to wear again!
Kids – Women know all about their children. They juggle their doctor visits, sports, school work, favorite foods and boo-boos. Men use the kids as excuses to play on the playground, play games, ride carnival rides, play with Lego’s, play at the toy stores and bring frogs and other gross animals into the house!
Dressing nice – Women will dress nice to go shopping, take out the trash, check the mail, watch a movie, read a book or clean the house. Men dress nice to attend a funeral.
Toys – Women played with toys until they reached 12 years of age. Then they kinda lose interest. Men….their fascination with toys never ends. The toys just get bigger and more expensive…cars, game consoles, electronics, etc.
“Ball” shots – Women see this and say, “Wow, that must hurt.”…Men double over in pain at the sight of this and then feel the need to puke.
Telephone – Women seem to have this device stuck permanently to their ears. They can visit their mother for a week, return home, immediately call her and be on the phone for three hours. Men use a phone for less than a minute and only for informational purposes.
Jewelry – Women wear lots of it and look good. Men wear one ring and that’s it. Wearing anymore makes you question his sanity and/or sexuality.
Menopause – Women get emotional, deal with biological changes, psychological dysfunction, hot flashes and homicidal tendencies. Men get younger women and small cars.
Shoes – Men own a pair of sneakers, boots and those dress shoes they wear when someone dies. Women own at least 36 pair, not including the insane amount of flip-flops in every color.
Mirrors – Women depend on a mirror anywhere from 20-50 times a day and each time she goes to pee. Men can go without looking into one unless he is checking himself out and flexing his muscles.
Garages – Women park cars here. Men store all their crap here, have an endless supply of tools, cook-out, play darts, watch t.v., etc.
Movies – Women go for the sappy, lovey dovey movies. Men go for blood, guts and boobs.
Sex – Women want 30-45 minutes of foreplay. Men want 30-45 seconds of foreplay.
Maturity – An 18 year old woman can be a fully functioning adult. An 18-year-old man still gives wedgies, uses “your mama” jokes and wrestles with the boys.
Going out – A man will be ready to go out in 5 minutes. A woman will be ready in 2-3 hours and that’s only if she can get her hair to cooperate.
Groceries – A woman makes a list and buys these specific items. A man will wait until there is one item left in the fridge, usually looks like a bad science experiment and then goes shopping. He usually only buys snacks or other non-essential items.
Bathrooms – A man has a toothbrush, toothpaste, razor, shaving cream, soap and a towel. A woman has 486 items…a man can only identify two of these items!
Handwriting – A man uses no decoration and it usually resembles chicken scratch. A woman uses loopy letters, dots their “i’s” with hearts, makes smiley faces, and will even spray perfume on the paper.
So, there you have it…differences that separate men and woman…yet, somehow bring them together to balance them out!