Warning labels on products that make ya wonder…2

And the list continues…

16. children’s superman costume– WARNING: wearing this garment does not enable you to fly.  Well, I have to say that I kinda agree with this one.  You see, there are so many gullible children out there!  My brother was one of them.  He would whatever I told him to….and I mean WHATEVER I TOLD HIM TO!  Poor child didn’t stand a chance as a small child!  LOL  I once gave him a suitcase and an umbrella……you know where this is going!!!  Yep, I told him he could fly just like Mary Poppins if he would just hold on to that suitcase and umbrella.  And did he jump out the window???  YES HE DID!  It was awesome!  Now, of course, it was not awesome once he hit the ground.  That kid seriously bounced, but I am happy to report that he sustained zero major injuries (don’t quite know how that worked!) and only had minor bruises.

17. Nabisco Easy Cheese– For best results, remove cap.  Hmmm….let me see here.  For best results….hell, for any results other than admiring the damn can would be a better phrase to put there!  If you have to be told to remove the cap you just need to stick to simpler things like tearing through a bread bag to get some bread.  Hell, that’s like holding a can of hairspray up to your hair (with the cap on, of course!) and just expecting something dramatic to happen.

18. Chainsaw– WARNING: Do Not attempt to stop chain with hands.  Yea, this had to be a chick with brain leakage!  I know it’s shiny and is an awesome tool when PMS hits, but you can’t expect the shiny chain to stop with your lil hands!  Now, my other brother has attempted this with his leg.  That didn’t work either.  Let’s just say we had to use more than a few band-aids!

19. hotel provided shower cap– fits only one head.  WHAT THE HELL???  LOL  Words have escaped my mind on this one.

20. Chinese food processors NOT to be used for the other use. LOL…yea, that’s right people, you can’t use it for “the other use”!  No cats, dogs, or any other animal that is considered a pet to the rest of us!

21. Helmet mounted mirror used my cyclists- Remember, objects in mirror are actually behind you.  LOL  Damn, does this really have to be stated on there?  Well, when I am operating anything…car, truck, bike, etc…what is behind me does not matter!  But I think that if I was wearing one of those things and I saw a car in the mirror I would really think there was one back there!  Maybe this guy should’ve had one!

22. Infant bathtub– CAUTION: Do Not throw baby out with bath water.  “Out” with the water???  Where are you throwing the water?  Around here the water goes down the drain.  And removing the child should not be that difficult to remember.  This had to be from the same lady that folded her child up in the stroller!

23. disposable razor– Do Not use this product during an earthquake.  hahaha….well, I wouldn’t advice you to do that either!  You would end up looking like Edward Scissorhands!  And if you have to be told this you are probably not old enough to shave anyway.  Unless….you are a member of the “Jackass” crew!  This would definitely make their list of top 10 things to try!

24. a frisbee- WARNING: may contain small parts.  Small parts of what?  And don’t say the bag/package folks.  Frisbees are sold with a damn sticker on the underside!  And the only person that I can think of that could probably insert a frisbee into their mouth would be Steven Tyler…just sayin’

25. toilet brush– DO NOT use orally.  One type of person comes to mind when I see this!  Well, there is a movie that comes to mind too!  haha  Wrong turn anyone???  LOL

26. microwave oven- DO NOT USE FOR DRYING PETS.  Awesomeness….just Awesomeness!!!  Alright, who put the cat in the microwave?  I thought that was an urban legend!  You know, hair dryers can dry pets…or hell, just let em run around and dry off like normal people.

27. deodorant Do Not use intimately.  INTIMATELY???  If you have an “intimate” odor problem, man has invented SOAP!  If you got a perspiration issue downstairs go buy some baby powder!   I am seriously trying not to visualize this, but the image is so persistent!!!  Why would someone even consider doing this, much less think of the idea in the first place?  On second thought, maybe the doctor that did the “Fix-A-Flat” booty job recommended this to someone!  It’s a thought!!!  And as for the pic below….yes, my friend, those are flies on her butt!

28. rat poison- WARNING: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice.  Now, sometimes I’m a lil slow on the uptake.  But two things come to mind with this stupid statement.  1. I don’t give a damn if the lil disease infested thingy gets cancer!  2. If he stayed alive long enough to get cancer, your damn poison don’t work fast enough!!!  I don’t want to put out this poison and have to wait for the lil boogers to get to stage 4!  And I don’t mean any offense to human cancer patients…honestly.  But a rat is nasty and a quick death is what any homeowner wants…not to have to sit and wonder if the cancer will eventually get rid of the rat problem.

29. dashboard of mail truck- Look before driving.  Damn!  So I take it that a mail man…..oh wait I meant mail woman….was driving along and ended up in an accident.  When asked what  happened, she responded that she forgot to look/open her eyes before mashing down on the gas pedal….WOW

30. Sign at a railroad station-  BEWARE: To touch these wires is instant death.  Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted. Yea, prosecuting a dead man is what all officers of the law look forward to!  That reminds me of the guys that pee on electrical fences or those signs that tell you that the edges are sharp!  LOL  So, my advice to the people at this railroad station…ahh hell, go ahead and touch the wires!  I have a habit of seeing those big red buttons, hesitating for a minute, weighing the pros and cons, and then eventually just pushing the damn button anyway!

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Warning labels on products that make ya wonder…1

I’ve noticed in the past that some of the warning labels on certain products are crazy.  I mean, why is it necessary to put “WARNING: Not for oral use.” on a tube of Preparation H???  Think about it guys!  Some moron must have done this and ended up with an extremely puckered mouth or something….and then tried to sue the company!  When idiots do these things the companies have to include these warnings so other dummies don’t do the same shit.  I just don’t understand it.  Preparation H is obviously for the other end!  So, who the hell would squeeze a tube of this stuff into their mouth and why?  And I’m pretty sure you can’t confuse a tube of that with a tube of Colgate or Crest!  So, I started searching for the stupid warnings that are now having to be issued due to stupidity leaks most people suffer from….Hope yaw enjoy!

1. fishing lure (with 3 steel hooks!)-Caution: harmful if swallowed.-  What retard decided to put a damn fish-hook in his/her mouth?  Now, I’ve heard of fish-hook accidents involving hooking a fellow fisherman…(my dad and my uncles! LOL)  But I ain’t never heard of someone just popping one into their mouth and attempting to swallow the damn thing.  And you can’t “accidentally” try to shove this thing down  your throat!  Damn!

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2. massage chair- WARNING: Do not use chair without clothing and never force any body part into back rest area while rollers are moving!-  LOL  For starters, a massage chair is designed mainly for shoulder, neck and back massages.  Why in the hell would the client be naked in the chair?  Forcing a body part into the back rest area….hmmmmmm!  I am still trying to picture this one!  What are you trying to ram in there people?  And why does the warning have to include not doing this while the rollers are in use?  Haha…Holy crap!  On second thought, I don’t even want to picture that one!

3. Dremel electric rotary tool– Caution: This product is not intended for use as a dental drill.- WTF  Well, hell….I guess if you got severe tooth issues and you are drunk enough this might seem like a great idea at the time!  And don’t blame rednecks for this!  haha

4. baby stroller– Caution: Remove child before folding.– Now, this one caused me to kinda go into a mild form of shock.  Who in the hell folded their child up in a stroller???  What happened in this situation…woman exiting the store and in a fit of dumbness folds her baby up in the stroller and tosses it into the back of the van…only later to realize she didn’t have a child to put in or get out of a car seat?  Certain folks shouldn’t be allowed to reproduce!

5. sticker on a toilet at a public facility– Recycled flush water unsafe to drink.-  Now I know being thirsty sucks…but bathrooms usually have a damn sink!  Hell, some public places have a hose out back or a car wash…stick your face up to the spigot or run through the damn car wash rinse cycle!  Who in their right mind would drink from this???  LOL

6. label on a hand-held massager– Do Not use while sleeping or unconscious.-  Somebody lied like hell when they used this excuse!!!  haha  If you used a hand-held massager while unconscious, what bodily harm did you inflict upon yourself?  hmmmmmm

7. iron– NEVER iron clothes while they are being worn.- LMAO  Now, I don’t do so good with an iron myself.  My husband will tell you that!  But ironing your clothes while you wear them is a new one to me…You can’t even blame alcohol for this one.  Drunk folks may lack a lil bit of intelligence while intoxicated but I don’t think they care about wrinkled clothes enough to try this one. HAHA   Even the mentally challenged know how a damn iron works!

8. shin guards– WARNING: shin pads cannot protect any body part they do not cover.–  Seriously???  I thought that when I put on shin guards they protect my head and elbows too!  Imagine that!  This unfortunate idiot had to have been a soccer player that head butted the ball too many times or something.  There had to be some serious brain leakage going on there!

9. birthday cake candles– DO NOT use soft wax as ear plugs or for any other function that involves insertion into a body cavity.  LOL  I’m really trying NOT to picture this!  I can only imagine why there was a need to put the last part of that warning!  Bottle rockets come to mind on this one!  Birthday candles….not just for making that birthday wish anymore!  haha

10. toilet plunger– Do Not use near power lines.-  What the hell?  I can’t even come up with a reason someone would have a plunger near a power line.  Are plungers even used outside the bathroom???  Well, nevermind……haha

11. Old Spice deodorant– Apply to underarms only -Well, where the hell else would you put it?  It ain’t cologne guys!  You shouldn’t be rubbin’ it on your neck, chest, or any other place on your body.  And here again, what bodily harm was caused by applying it to another body part?

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12. Komatsu flood light– this flood light is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark.  I know this isn’t a warning…but really?  “even in the dark”…LOL  The only reason statements like this are on products like that has got to do with dumb women.  I’m sorry ladies (mainly those blondes with no sense!) but some of ya’ll need special medication!  This kinda reminds me of those people who ask, “What’s the number?” when you tell them to call 911.

13. ear plugs– These earplugs are nontoxic, but may interfere with breathing if caught in the windpipe.  Damn!  This one made me think…”Surely I read that wrong!  Let me check that again.”  Life lesson #23…foreign objects will definitely interfere with your breathing dummy!  And earplugs go in your EARS not down your throat.

14. king size mattress– Do Not attempt to swallow- I am so glad they cleared this one up for us!  There would have been a tragic event had that label not been applied.

15. Fix-A-Flat– WARNING: DO NOT WELD CAN TO RIM.  Surely, this has got to be a joke!  And what’s worse is I was looking for a picture of someone being dumb enough to have done this….however, I found a picture and article of this woman.  WTF  This woman, living in Florida, went in for some procedure to make her butt bigger and the doctor that did the surgery put fix-a-flat in her ass and hips!  That’s right,  FIX-A-FLAT!  LMAO…I’m sorry but cosmetic surgery to fix a deformity or maybe to remove some excess skin after a tremendous weight loss would make sense to me.  But nowadays we got people changing their entire bodies for nothing!  Making your ass bigger?  Eat bread dummy!  LOL  And why would you want a big ol’ butt?  Hell, I been working hard to get mine a lil smaller…ain’t no way I’d want an ass that sticks out so much you could put a food tray on it!

Weird Facts…1

My mom called early this morning giggling about some strange facts she found and of course I just had to find a few more to go with them!  So, thanks mom for some of these weird, funny facts!

1. Crocodiles swallow stones and rocks help them dive deeper in water.  WTF  So, these rocks just stay in their bellies forever?  You can’t poop rocks can ya?

2. Your nose and ears NEVER stop growing.  Now, I’m not to sure about this one….Although I do believe some people’s noses and ears grow at an accelerated rate!  Well…..this is good!  I was doing a yahoo pic search for some big ears and noses and pictures of Obama popped up first!  LMAO  I’ll use this picture instead…don’t want any hate-mail!

 

3. The heaviest human brain ever recorded weighed a lil over 5lbs!  All that comes to mind is…..Zombies, it’s dinner time!!!

 

4. The first Fords had their engines made by Dodge!  LOL  Hell yea!

5.More than 10 people a year are killed by vending machines.  WTF   How does someone even manage this one?  If the thang takes your money you hit the buttons really hard or kick the hell out of it, but you don’t pull it over on top of yourself!  And you know if there’s a warning label about it it’s because some dummy did it!

6.Turtles can breathe through their butts!  Hmmmmm….so, basically a turtle’s fart is really a burp?  And why would a turtle need to breathe through its hiney?

7. The best recorded distance for projectile vomiting is 27 feet!  LOL  I loved this one!  Who in the hell measured their puke?   I can just see a bunch of guys all lined up rooting one guy on while he loses a few gallons of alcohol!  This dude didn’t even squat!  He just casually places one hand on his hip and one on the wall (for support)!  Damn

8. Bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers were all invented by women!  Yep yep!  Bow down fellas…

9. 7% of Americans claim they never bathe at all.  See?  My husband was right!  They may smell and look like a zombie, but friendly fire ain’t cool!  NEVER bathe at all though…come on folks.  There are 365 days in a year and it does tend to rain sometimes.  Get ya some soap and stand in the rain…I’m sure it’ll work!

10. The human brain is 80% water.  Ummmm…this may be true but some people tend to have a stupidity leak!

11. Pouring alcohol on a scorpion will make it go crazy and sting itself to death.  I have to admit, I have tried this before and it totally works!  I was really young though!  No hate comments please!

12. A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes!  LMAO  You have got to be kidding me!?!  Wouldn’t that cause a heart attack or something?  I mean, think about a rabbit…that’s like 2 seconds and they fall over and pass out!…..I’ve picked a “clean” picture but those who know the movie will definitely understand!  Weeeeee weeeeeeeee

13. It’s illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.  But….I guess dressing up as the Grim Reaper and going to a nursing home and pointing and whispering, “You’re next!” is perfectly fine!  LOL

LMAO….I was about to end this post…but I got one more!  Fact: My daughter just proved that she definitely contains DNA from my family!  She brought me one of her Monster High dolls and asked me to take the shoes off of it.  I was pulling and tugging so hard!  I swear I thought they were glued.  After a minute or so, one of the doll’s shoes pops off!  I hand it to my daughter and as I begin to pull on the other doll shoe, my daughter sniffs the tiny shoe I just gave her!  SERIOUSLY!?!  She sniffed it!  Who sniffs shoes in the first place?  She’s gonna cause me to invent another phobia!

Thanks for reading guys!  Have a good evening…

more Phobias…LOL

Ok…I just had to add these to the list!  My Daddy emailed me a few more phobias that deserve some credit!

1. Obamaphobia- fear of Obama being elected again.  LMAO

2. Yougottobekiddingmephobia- the fear of the land mines(crap) the dogs leave between the front door and my truck!  Ain’t nothing worse than headin’ to the truck in the morning, getting in, cuttin’ on the heater and gettin’ a whiff of dog doodoo!  HAHA

3.Damnwhatsthatsmellandwhathaveyoubeeneatingphobia- the fear of going into the bathroom right after my Daddy!  Sometimes a gas mask is necessary and sometimes it’s just best to handle your business in the yard!

4. Sleepnumberphobia- fear of waking up.  You see, my Uncle J has what we call deadbeatitis.  It’s a pretty severe case and sometimes he just can’t handle the thought and pressure of waking up from his slumber!

5. Tellmeitsnotsophobia- fear that the Sandman is not real.  I believe this would just crush my Uncle!  He depends on the Sandman 24/7!

6. Gibbsphobia- the fear of missing an episode of NCIS.  Yea, this one is for my Mom.  She will hang up on you in a heartbeat if Gibbs is on t.v..

7. Damndidyouseethatphobia- fear of riding her bicycle.  Sorry Grandma N!  Blame Daddy…he did it!  he did it!

8. Bongrattlerattlephobia- fear of hitting her head AGAIN!  My Aunt M seems to have a few issues with hitting her head on things.  Sometimes shit just seems to fall out of the sky and land on her head!

9. DNAphobia- fear of one’s family tree.  LOL  Well…..what can I say?  My family is so darn special!  haha  My daughter is going to have so much fun telling her friends about us!

10. Yumyumeatemupphobia- the fear of running out of boloney!  My brother K suffers terribly from this disorder!  Poor guy just loses his marbles over boloney.  He gets all hysterical and we have to put him in one of those “arm friendly jackets”!  LOL

 

Well, there you have it!  Just a few of the not-so-common phobias that plague my family!  haha   Hope you enjoyed them and thanks for reading!