I don’t fall like I used to!

So, I took a lovely trip down the stairs the other day.  And by “the stairs”, I mean ALL OF THEM!  I seriously don’t fall like I used to.  I’m serious.  I think I hit harder now or something.  Either that or the ground got a hell of a lot tougher!

Anyway, the morning began with my hubby reading a book to our little 5 month old bundle of cuteness while I walked our 11-year-old to the bus stop.  Huge age difference, I know!  So, I get back home and he tells me that she fell asleep in her swing holding the book.  He wants me to go look at her.  I think he was more proud that he got her to take her morning nap!  Haha!

I head up the stairs and cast a glance back at our new puppy.  Yea, we got a new addition to the family.  I’m still not sure what the hell I was thinking when I agreed to this!  Anyway, I make my way up to see sleeping beauty and yep, she’s just adorable.  She’s still holding her little Halloween picture book.  As I turn around, my hubby is headed into the shower.  Now, at this point the puppy decides to start yapping.  Oh my gosh he can make some noise.  I thought about going down to get him, but my little one wasn’t buckled in the swing.  My luck she would wake up in the 30 seconds I was gone and wiggle out onto the floor.  I chose to yell from the top of the stairs so maybe he would see me and come on up.  Nope.  He just looked confused as hell.  After a minute he settles down so I go back into the baby’s room.  Five minutes later he starts up again.  He is even louder this time.

What to do…I make the decision to run and go get him but fail to realize he’s made it almost to the top of the stairs!  I don’t see him until it’s too late.  I fell hard!  I know I hit my right knee but that’s right after I tried catching myself and damaging my boob.   As I fell, I reached for the banister and I guess I was at such an odd angle that my boob took a beating.  Damn, the pain was massive!  I began toppling down the stairs trying so hard to stop.  About midway down I decided “screw it…just ride it out!”  Needless to say I kept tumbling, picking up speed with each step I hit.  I landed in the guest bathroom a few inches from the toilet.  Yep, I was face to face with the throne!  I swear it felt like I was falling forever.

I stood up once I realized I was still alive.  I was already aching.  I immediately checked my boob in the mirror!  It seriously felt like it fell off or something.  Then pain radiated at the knee.  I have an awesome carpet burn in the shape of a “L”…I’m assuming it stands for Loser!  After the knee pain is in check I realize my thumb is throbbing.  I’m not sure if it hit the banister, the stairs or if my body crushed it, but the pain was horrible.  I quickly began checking myself out.  I checked my joints and hips…Let’s face it, we don’t fall like we did as kids!  I could’ve broke a hip on all those stairs!  I was bending, squatting, flexing, etc. trying to make sure everything was working properly.

When I decided it was safe to walk I slowly made my way back up the stairs.  I laid on my bed and waited for some of the pain to swindle away.  Maybe from now on I should do the butt-scoot down the stairs.  I’m too old to fall like that again.

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One of those days…

You know those days where everything seems to go haywire?

Yep, having one of ’em today!

Let’s start with the morning shower…I see my husband off to work and head to the shower.  I crank up some music and put on my rock show!  Yes, I normally sing in the shower, at the top of my lungs.  Halfway through the shower, Psycho Killer by the Talking Heads begins to play.  I freakin’ love this song!  So as a result, I sing even louder!  I am putting on a serious rock show!  Ya’ll, our foster puppy Bridgette began to make this horrendous howling noise.  It sounded like a cross between sheer pain and mourning a loved one!  I peek out of the shower curtain and she instantly gets quiet and tilts her head to the side while her ears do this sideways thing.  She looks like she is so damn confused!  I giggle and go right back to singing.  She starts howling again like I am torturing her!  LOL  Needless to say, I had to cut my concert short and hurry out of the shower before she gave herself a heart attack!

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About 20 minutes later I was on the phone with my sister catching up.  I was in the kitchen fixing a cup of coffee.  I guess I was so into the conversation that I wasn’t paying attention to what I was doing, because 30 minutes later I was scouring my kitchen trying to find the coffee creamer.  It is supposed to be in the refrigerator.  I check and recheck the fridge.  I check the countertop next to the coffee pot.  I check the rest of the counter space.  No luck.  How do you lose coffee creamer?  After about 3 minutes of rechecking these “normal” places, I began checking everywhere else in the kitchen.  I had put the damn creamer, that is supposed to be refrigerated, in the cabinet with the coffee cups!  What the hell?!?

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The next “crappy” part of my morning also happened in the bathroom!  I had cleaned the tub, sink, and countertops.  I was in the process of cleaning the toilet, which is my least favorite part of cleaning.  I was wiping down the toilet seat rim when out of nowhere comes a sneeze.  Holy shit!  My whole right arm, up to my elbow, ended up in the toilet!  Now even though I had just cleaned the toilet, it still makes me cringe.  I was gagging and dry heaving all over the bathroom!  I got my arm out to side like it is crawling with the plague!  The amount of hand sanitizer I used after washing my arm was probably enough to clean the bodies of four adults!  Ugh!

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And the last tragedy of my morning happened on the staircase.  I went upstairs to my daughter’s room to inspect the disaster area.  That room looks like a tornado went through it.  Clothes, toys, art supplies, etc. are everywhere.  I decided I wasn’t going to gather up the clothes.  She can clean that room up today!  Anyway, I checked her bathroom and such and was heading back down the stairs.  Now I’m guess my socks have zero traction cause that fourth step happened to be a doozy!  My right foot slipped out from under me and my hands didn’t make it to the banister.  My left foot decided it needed a turn next.  I hit my ass and bounced down eight steps.  I bounced hard too!  When the terror ride was over I just laid there.  I figured it was best not to move too quick!  Haha!  I’m pretty sure I’m gonna be black and blue tomorrow.

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I’m gonna take it easy for the rest of the day.  It might be best to wrap myself in bubble wrap.  At least next time I fall I will be entertained when the bubble wrap pops!

Important Lessons in Life…

Everyone goes through life the same way…just difference situations.  Kids always test their parents, teenagers think their parents are ALWAYS wrong and adults hit that mid-life crazy spot that causes each of us to wonder where their sanity went!  We are all learning life’s little rules and lessons constantly.  Sometimes we think we know the rule/lesson and the outcome but still have to try it anyway!  haha  Here are a few that I have learned…

 

Everyone seems normal…until you get to know them!

Think before you argue…is it gonna matter in one week, one month or one year?  If it won’t, then shut the hell up and move on with it.  No point in arguing about something that is NOT important, even when it seems to be at the time.

Never attempt to give yourself a haircut after 3 alcoholic beverages!  The outcome will be horrendous!

Being happy is the best revenge.  There are more people than you know just waiting for you to be miserable or fail at something.  Be happy, ignore them and laugh like hell that your happiness causes them to get nauseous!

There are only two tools you will ever need…WD-40 and duct tape.  Men, listen up!  This is an important lesson!  If it don’t move but should…use WD40.  If it moves and it souldn’t…use that awesome silver tape!  See?  problem solved!

DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT take a laxative and a sleeping pill on the same night!  This will lead to an unconscious, shitty mess!  LOL

It’s not the jeans that make your butt look fat…it is, in fact, your butt!

Do not lick a steak knife.  This will result in lots of pain and that “I feel like an idiot” feeling…plus you won’t be able to finish your steak!

Never pass on an opportunity to pee!  You will always have to pee at the wrong time…and if you know someone who pees every five minutes (my sister does this!!!), buy them a pack of Depends for road trips!  You can shave two hours off your driving time making them strap those diaper things on!

Cats cannot fly!  They cannot function on a trampoline either!

Never miss the chance to tip over a porta-potty while your buddy is inside of it!  This is priceless!  And those people who turn their noses up at this are just mad that they didn’t think of it first!  LOL

Stupid people are a rare breed indeed!  They are a lot like slinkies…they aren’t good for much except pushing down the stairs!

Do the “Tom Cruise sock slide” at least once.  I would NOT advice trying this in the shower though.  Major problems occur while doing that one!

Going down icy stairs with bowling shoes on is basically the same as skiing!  Well, your arms are not at your side and your back is not straight!  It’s more like arms are everywhere, back looks like it’s about to break and the look on your face is not one of content.

 

Warning labels on products that make ya wonder…2

And the list continues…

16. children’s superman costume– WARNING: wearing this garment does not enable you to fly.  Well, I have to say that I kinda agree with this one.  You see, there are so many gullible children out there!  My brother was one of them.  He would whatever I told him to….and I mean WHATEVER I TOLD HIM TO!  Poor child didn’t stand a chance as a small child!  LOL  I once gave him a suitcase and an umbrella……you know where this is going!!!  Yep, I told him he could fly just like Mary Poppins if he would just hold on to that suitcase and umbrella.  And did he jump out the window???  YES HE DID!  It was awesome!  Now, of course, it was not awesome once he hit the ground.  That kid seriously bounced, but I am happy to report that he sustained zero major injuries (don’t quite know how that worked!) and only had minor bruises.

17. Nabisco Easy Cheese– For best results, remove cap.  Hmmm….let me see here.  For best results….hell, for any results other than admiring the damn can would be a better phrase to put there!  If you have to be told to remove the cap you just need to stick to simpler things like tearing through a bread bag to get some bread.  Hell, that’s like holding a can of hairspray up to your hair (with the cap on, of course!) and just expecting something dramatic to happen.

18. Chainsaw– WARNING: Do Not attempt to stop chain with hands.  Yea, this had to be a chick with brain leakage!  I know it’s shiny and is an awesome tool when PMS hits, but you can’t expect the shiny chain to stop with your lil hands!  Now, my other brother has attempted this with his leg.  That didn’t work either.  Let’s just say we had to use more than a few band-aids!

19. hotel provided shower cap– fits only one head.  WHAT THE HELL???  LOL  Words have escaped my mind on this one.

20. Chinese food processors NOT to be used for the other use. LOL…yea, that’s right people, you can’t use it for “the other use”!  No cats, dogs, or any other animal that is considered a pet to the rest of us!

21. Helmet mounted mirror used my cyclists- Remember, objects in mirror are actually behind you.  LOL  Damn, does this really have to be stated on there?  Well, when I am operating anything…car, truck, bike, etc…what is behind me does not matter!  But I think that if I was wearing one of those things and I saw a car in the mirror I would really think there was one back there!  Maybe this guy should’ve had one!

22. Infant bathtub– CAUTION: Do Not throw baby out with bath water.  “Out” with the water???  Where are you throwing the water?  Around here the water goes down the drain.  And removing the child should not be that difficult to remember.  This had to be from the same lady that folded her child up in the stroller!

23. disposable razor– Do Not use this product during an earthquake.  hahaha….well, I wouldn’t advice you to do that either!  You would end up looking like Edward Scissorhands!  And if you have to be told this you are probably not old enough to shave anyway.  Unless….you are a member of the “Jackass” crew!  This would definitely make their list of top 10 things to try!

24. a frisbee- WARNING: may contain small parts.  Small parts of what?  And don’t say the bag/package folks.  Frisbees are sold with a damn sticker on the underside!  And the only person that I can think of that could probably insert a frisbee into their mouth would be Steven Tyler…just sayin’

25. toilet brush– DO NOT use orally.  One type of person comes to mind when I see this!  Well, there is a movie that comes to mind too!  haha  Wrong turn anyone???  LOL

26. microwave oven- DO NOT USE FOR DRYING PETS.  Awesomeness….just Awesomeness!!!  Alright, who put the cat in the microwave?  I thought that was an urban legend!  You know, hair dryers can dry pets…or hell, just let em run around and dry off like normal people.

27. deodorant Do Not use intimately.  INTIMATELY???  If you have an “intimate” odor problem, man has invented SOAP!  If you got a perspiration issue downstairs go buy some baby powder!   I am seriously trying not to visualize this, but the image is so persistent!!!  Why would someone even consider doing this, much less think of the idea in the first place?  On second thought, maybe the doctor that did the “Fix-A-Flat” booty job recommended this to someone!  It’s a thought!!!  And as for the pic below….yes, my friend, those are flies on her butt!

28. rat poison- WARNING: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice.  Now, sometimes I’m a lil slow on the uptake.  But two things come to mind with this stupid statement.  1. I don’t give a damn if the lil disease infested thingy gets cancer!  2. If he stayed alive long enough to get cancer, your damn poison don’t work fast enough!!!  I don’t want to put out this poison and have to wait for the lil boogers to get to stage 4!  And I don’t mean any offense to human cancer patients…honestly.  But a rat is nasty and a quick death is what any homeowner wants…not to have to sit and wonder if the cancer will eventually get rid of the rat problem.

29. dashboard of mail truck- Look before driving.  Damn!  So I take it that a mail man…..oh wait I meant mail woman….was driving along and ended up in an accident.  When asked what  happened, she responded that she forgot to look/open her eyes before mashing down on the gas pedal….WOW

30. Sign at a railroad station-  BEWARE: To touch these wires is instant death.  Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted. Yea, prosecuting a dead man is what all officers of the law look forward to!  That reminds me of the guys that pee on electrical fences or those signs that tell you that the edges are sharp!  LOL  So, my advice to the people at this railroad station…ahh hell, go ahead and touch the wires!  I have a habit of seeing those big red buttons, hesitating for a minute, weighing the pros and cons, and then eventually just pushing the damn button anyway!

Warning labels on products that make ya wonder…1

I’ve noticed in the past that some of the warning labels on certain products are crazy.  I mean, why is it necessary to put “WARNING: Not for oral use.” on a tube of Preparation H???  Think about it guys!  Some moron must have done this and ended up with an extremely puckered mouth or something….and then tried to sue the company!  When idiots do these things the companies have to include these warnings so other dummies don’t do the same shit.  I just don’t understand it.  Preparation H is obviously for the other end!  So, who the hell would squeeze a tube of this stuff into their mouth and why?  And I’m pretty sure you can’t confuse a tube of that with a tube of Colgate or Crest!  So, I started searching for the stupid warnings that are now having to be issued due to stupidity leaks most people suffer from….Hope yaw enjoy!

1. fishing lure (with 3 steel hooks!)-Caution: harmful if swallowed.-  What retard decided to put a damn fish-hook in his/her mouth?  Now, I’ve heard of fish-hook accidents involving hooking a fellow fisherman…(my dad and my uncles! LOL)  But I ain’t never heard of someone just popping one into their mouth and attempting to swallow the damn thing.  And you can’t “accidentally” try to shove this thing down  your throat!  Damn!

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2. massage chair- WARNING: Do not use chair without clothing and never force any body part into back rest area while rollers are moving!-  LOL  For starters, a massage chair is designed mainly for shoulder, neck and back massages.  Why in the hell would the client be naked in the chair?  Forcing a body part into the back rest area….hmmmmmm!  I am still trying to picture this one!  What are you trying to ram in there people?  And why does the warning have to include not doing this while the rollers are in use?  Haha…Holy crap!  On second thought, I don’t even want to picture that one!

3. Dremel electric rotary tool– Caution: This product is not intended for use as a dental drill.- WTF  Well, hell….I guess if you got severe tooth issues and you are drunk enough this might seem like a great idea at the time!  And don’t blame rednecks for this!  haha

4. baby stroller– Caution: Remove child before folding.– Now, this one caused me to kinda go into a mild form of shock.  Who in the hell folded their child up in a stroller???  What happened in this situation…woman exiting the store and in a fit of dumbness folds her baby up in the stroller and tosses it into the back of the van…only later to realize she didn’t have a child to put in or get out of a car seat?  Certain folks shouldn’t be allowed to reproduce!

5. sticker on a toilet at a public facility– Recycled flush water unsafe to drink.-  Now I know being thirsty sucks…but bathrooms usually have a damn sink!  Hell, some public places have a hose out back or a car wash…stick your face up to the spigot or run through the damn car wash rinse cycle!  Who in their right mind would drink from this???  LOL

6. label on a hand-held massager– Do Not use while sleeping or unconscious.-  Somebody lied like hell when they used this excuse!!!  haha  If you used a hand-held massager while unconscious, what bodily harm did you inflict upon yourself?  hmmmmmm

7. iron– NEVER iron clothes while they are being worn.- LMAO  Now, I don’t do so good with an iron myself.  My husband will tell you that!  But ironing your clothes while you wear them is a new one to me…You can’t even blame alcohol for this one.  Drunk folks may lack a lil bit of intelligence while intoxicated but I don’t think they care about wrinkled clothes enough to try this one. HAHA   Even the mentally challenged know how a damn iron works!

8. shin guards– WARNING: shin pads cannot protect any body part they do not cover.–  Seriously???  I thought that when I put on shin guards they protect my head and elbows too!  Imagine that!  This unfortunate idiot had to have been a soccer player that head butted the ball too many times or something.  There had to be some serious brain leakage going on there!

9. birthday cake candles– DO NOT use soft wax as ear plugs or for any other function that involves insertion into a body cavity.  LOL  I’m really trying NOT to picture this!  I can only imagine why there was a need to put the last part of that warning!  Bottle rockets come to mind on this one!  Birthday candles….not just for making that birthday wish anymore!  haha

10. toilet plunger– Do Not use near power lines.-  What the hell?  I can’t even come up with a reason someone would have a plunger near a power line.  Are plungers even used outside the bathroom???  Well, nevermind……haha

11. Old Spice deodorant– Apply to underarms only -Well, where the hell else would you put it?  It ain’t cologne guys!  You shouldn’t be rubbin’ it on your neck, chest, or any other place on your body.  And here again, what bodily harm was caused by applying it to another body part?

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12. Komatsu flood light– this flood light is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark.  I know this isn’t a warning…but really?  “even in the dark”…LOL  The only reason statements like this are on products like that has got to do with dumb women.  I’m sorry ladies (mainly those blondes with no sense!) but some of ya’ll need special medication!  This kinda reminds me of those people who ask, “What’s the number?” when you tell them to call 911.

13. ear plugs– These earplugs are nontoxic, but may interfere with breathing if caught in the windpipe.  Damn!  This one made me think…”Surely I read that wrong!  Let me check that again.”  Life lesson #23…foreign objects will definitely interfere with your breathing dummy!  And earplugs go in your EARS not down your throat.

14. king size mattress– Do Not attempt to swallow- I am so glad they cleared this one up for us!  There would have been a tragic event had that label not been applied.

15. Fix-A-Flat– WARNING: DO NOT WELD CAN TO RIM.  Surely, this has got to be a joke!  And what’s worse is I was looking for a picture of someone being dumb enough to have done this….however, I found a picture and article of this woman.  WTF  This woman, living in Florida, went in for some procedure to make her butt bigger and the doctor that did the surgery put fix-a-flat in her ass and hips!  That’s right,  FIX-A-FLAT!  LMAO…I’m sorry but cosmetic surgery to fix a deformity or maybe to remove some excess skin after a tremendous weight loss would make sense to me.  But nowadays we got people changing their entire bodies for nothing!  Making your ass bigger?  Eat bread dummy!  LOL  And why would you want a big ol’ butt?  Hell, I been working hard to get mine a lil smaller…ain’t no way I’d want an ass that sticks out so much you could put a food tray on it!